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“I don't wanna know this feeling
Unless it's you and me
I don't wanna waste a moment, ooh
And I don't wanna give somebody else the better part of me
I would rather wait for you
Hoooo ouuu . . .”
“The part of me that’s you will never die. . .”
I’ll Never Fall in Love Again-lyrics written by Lady Gaga, Natalie Hemby, Hillary Lindsey, and Aaron Raitiere. From the movie,” A Star IS Born.”
SAN ANGELO – Rather than address what the premise of the movie is about, I will setup the backdrop narrative on how those melancholy lyrics related to my own personal attempt at a relationship that ended up shipwrecked on a sea of roller coaster emotions so to speak.
The lyrics to Lady Gaga’s song, particularly “. . .I don’t want to give somebody else the better part of me” really, really hit close to home as my heart ended up on Shattered Lane Ave. My "Unrequited Love" [heart] was shattered, figuratively, into a thousand pieces. The beautiful woman I fell in love with hard, turned out to be in love with someone else! As sure as I know what love is and looks like, we were meant to be together. She is my “soulmate!” How do I know we were destined to be together? And, that she is my “soulmate?
As one who is in the news media, a reporter must have at least three verifiable sources before he or she goes to print the story. My first verifiable source comes from what she said. “It feels as if I’ve known you all my life.” The second one was when I took her as my guest to a gala event on December 8, 2018. Without comparing notes, we both ended up with exact colors that matched our wardrobe. And the third source is that we both have the same beliefs and convictions in our lives. There’s more, but you get the point.
As we closed the pages on the month of June, it was considered one of the top five, rated months for marriages. I decided now was the time to close my chapter on the “object of my affections” and the lyrics that deeply pierced into the “depth of my soul” firsthand.
As an idealist, true love for me is to experience intimacy, defined in various offshoots as “a close, familiar and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person,” “sexual intercourse.” Sex also means “a joining together or coupling” And yes, I am all for the sex part, however within the confines of marriage. One more thing with regards to intimacy. In dancing with someone so close that there is no space between us, that is intimacy where two souls become “knit together” without physical relations. That is intimacy in its purest form.
Before I delve into my “Unrequited” Love, let me incorporate a sense of humor to lighten the serious tone for a brief moment. A guy is at the beach with his date. He says to her. “Describe our relationship in two words.” To which she responds. “Our what?” Ouch, touché I was that guy! Because in order to have a relationship it takes two people to have one. It simply can’t be in the mind of one. I should have made myself perfectly clear that the first thing I wanted to do was date her.
Guys, when we start out as friends and don’t state the intentions in a crystal-clear manner--we want more than that--we end up in the “friendzone.” Or as Mark Walberg’s Dusty character in the movie “Daddy’s Home, 2” says, “You want to be in the endzone!” By being in the endzone with her, I do not mean, sex now; although in the movie that is exactly what Dusty was saying. What I mean is that I want to date her and be in a committed relationship. And, yes, getting in the “endzone” is where I want to end up, but in a committed love/ relationship that leads to marriage.
Moving forward. I started as a friend with Miss ___ but crashed my “adrenaline-filled Ferrari,” going from 0 to 60, friendship-to- relationship, too fast and lost control of my speed [my emotions.] I didn’t even survive the “friendship oval track.” I also finished out of the race in that area.
This nine-out-of-10, God’s beautiful, “Magnum Opus” masterpiece creation, He called—Woman, is a vivacious, elegant, girl-next-door type that my beloved mother, Ermelinda would have said, “I approve this message.” That’s not really what she would have said. I am just trying to incorporate a bit of political satire here. For sure though, my mom and best friend would have approved of her.
While I am coming to a close on my loveless life, the verdict on my “unrequited love chapter,” is still out [was as in past tense.] The deck was stacked against me and the "house" in this case she, ultimately won; you can't compete against someone else who has the winning hand--meaning he's got her heart and devotion.
UPDATE: As of August 12, 2019, the love I had for this woman is absolutely over! I got an email from her that said she was not interested in dating me. She is still in love with someone else. I get it that she doesn't love me. What I don't get is that she said we were friends from the beginning but never really treated me like one. "Never make someone else a priority [friend or love] when all you are to them is an option."
Without going on about it, I will say this with regards to how I chose to end it for my sake.
Four times within the span of nine months she reneged on four promises she had made to me. When a person such as she or anyone else doesn't keep their word, what does that say about their character?
There are some things she either said or felt toward me, friendship wise. She considered me handsome. She did like me, albeit at one time. Last time I checked though, liked and love are on two totally different state-of-mind and emotional planets; not even in the same ballpark. She liked me as a friend while I on the other hand deeply love her. It’s not her fault that I fell in love with the one I desire above all else. It’s not her fault that I think about her constantly. It’s not her fault she is beautiful; not just from a physicality perspective, but also intrinsic traits. It is however her fault that she gave mixed signals, which i won't go into because t would serve no purpose at this point.
There might have been the tiniest sliver to the door of her heart if I hadn’t kicked the door in so quickly [I can be honest enough with myself and those reading this article to admit my own errors] in foolishly rushing the process along to get to the relationship. And there lies my dilemma. Because once guys start as friends with the someone they have fallen for, it's hard to get out of "friendville," USA.
If there had ever been the possibility of another “do over”, I would have wanted to close the chapter on the mistakes I made along the way as I stumbled out of the “gateway-of-love” badly. Here is where I'm am being an idealist--wish for it to be as I would like it. Like a wedding band that is placed on one’s bride [I longed for her to be] “my continuous flow of love for her, is as a circle that symbolizes eternity where there is no beginning and no end.”
NOTE:Unfortunately as much as I am a romantic-at-heart, there was a beginning nine months ago when I fell in love with Miss___. What I most desired for us to be together would be considered, being an idealist. However in my current state, singleness-- I have to face the fact that I live in a realist world. Now I don't have to wait any longer as she ended it when I pressed the issue on her dating me. Just as the sands of my hourglass called life are running out, There is also an expiration date [called an ending with a now absolute closure.]
I began this article with Gaga’s lyrics. I conclude it with lyrics from two of Rihanna’s songs: “Stay Fit;” and “We Found Love.” Another song comes from American Idol’s, Kelly Clarkson, “Already Gone.” I conclude with a love poem from my book, yet-to-be-published.
“Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay”
Stay Fit lyrics-Rihanna
“It's the way I'm feeling I just can't deny
But I've gotta let it go
We found love in a hopeless place
Turn away 'cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind”
We Found Love lyrics-Rihanna
“Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive”
Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson
“When God’s love introduced us,
it became a burning passion, not lust.
From the moment I saw you, I wanted it all--
Roses, romance and life,
Most of all wanted you for my wife.
To have and to hold you in love and marriage,
Carry you off in our fairy-tale carriage.
You are the one I’ve fallen in love with,
You’re more than a passing moment or myth.
When God gave you your angelic hourglass figure,
It was beyond any other earthly demure.
You’re all I ever needed for us to be,
That was enough to make us—we”
Jim Camarillo Sánchez, author of "Portraits of Virtuous Women: Daughters of the Abrahamic Covenant"; poem copyrighted.